I’m a somewhat unusual person, with a particular personality. I'm straightforward, iconoclastic. I ask personal questions, I search, I don't take anything for granted. I dig deep to understand the living souls around me, especially those who are suffering, who are suffocating.
I care. I do care. I do not feel sorry for it.
But I also often make mistakes, my questions sometimes cause pain, and so do my "judgmental" advices and thoughts. I explore and discover my soul and I live life in small steps, by trial and error. But this often makes me feel "too much", "a lot", "not enough". I often feel responsible for things that have gone wrong, when I don't feel comfortable in a relationship and I draw a line, I often feel guilty for the consequences. I'm one of those people who apologize quickly, who easily take the blame. I'm a classic chronic apologizer. I think I use the term "I'm sorry" to try to diminish the self-confidence with which I present myself, to appear more discreet - and therefore lovable. Less... me.
Understand me, I find it important to apologize, to make myself responsible. A sincere apology has power. It builds relationships and bridges the gap between hurt feelings. Admitting my mistakes demonstrates my vulnerability, creates a spirit of transparency and increases trust. This posture allows others to feel free to take risks and make mistakes in my presence. In the end, no one is perfect, but I know that the sooner I admit my mistakes with courage, the sooner I can overcome them.
One of my hobbies for the past year has been to visit thrift stores and look in the men's section for t-shirts with interesting quotes, logos. I let myself be surprised by the treasures found there. Why the men's section? Because I'm what we call a "curvy" person, who physically takes up space on this earth. So, I'm more at ease in men's tops. And also, because the quotes or logos of the men's section are much bolder, more assertive. Strange observation.
This summer, during my last shopping spree, the "Sorry, not Sorry" t-shirt was waiting for me. It was made for me. It came at the right time in my life.
Why ? It reminds me that there are limits to being too responsible. Is every apology necessary for me? Can I be free of my own judgment of guilt? Can I let others take responsibility?
I now keep track of when I feel the need to "apologize", the situation and my emerging feelings. Sometimes "apologizing" is just a verbal tic, a sign of my own withdrawal. Being aware of these triggers and how they influence me helps me to be more vigilant about how I communicate so that I'm in a position of strength and equality. Also, sometimes, instead of saying "sorry", I experiment with just saying anything and embracing silence.
For me, innovation is about breaking pattern that are not anymore helpful for us. More and more, I'm discovering and accepting the power of silence.
*And sometimes it makes me feel good to coordinate my clothes with my soul.
Cheers!
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